the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
