Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
