i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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