omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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