there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Randomize
