U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
