I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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