She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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