i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Congratulations! We have a period
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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