I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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