I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
