Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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