i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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