I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
