i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Randomize
