you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
