Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
