I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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