don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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