3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
