I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
