Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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