But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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