i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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