My liver just broke up with me...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
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Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
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I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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