I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
