Only a mothe r could love this liver
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
