im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
