He uses pillows to masturbate.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
