I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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