I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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