Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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