Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
