I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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