I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
