when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
