I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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