I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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