you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
