I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
