I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
