My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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