she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
