Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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