Don't you send me to vm
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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