i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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