They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
