I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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