There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
