my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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