dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
