Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
