i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
As shirtless as possible
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
