your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
