I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
