just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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