At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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