What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
