did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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