i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
