i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
