k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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