Apparently you make a good broom.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
