I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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